Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
