Betty ford says i'm here all night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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