Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it's like iHOP with fire
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
