Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
