Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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