At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
