Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
