I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
