Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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