I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
