Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.