The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize