dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
