If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
