she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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