Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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