i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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