EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
