I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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