Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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