I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
