The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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