Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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