dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
