Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
