I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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