conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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