Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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