Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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