Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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