and next time when you feel me up, do it right
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
