Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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