This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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