Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
