So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
