You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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