Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
