I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
