Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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