Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
