Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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