I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's blow job season.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
