haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You ruined the universe
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
