how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
