RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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