No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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