can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
