ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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