I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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