i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
