Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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