it hurts more in the daytime
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
