i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
