Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
