you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
