it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
