i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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